Everyday millions of people around the world eat cookies after a meal and this week I decided to join those millions of people and eat some cookies too…
The other night after my dinner I decided I was hungry for cookies. Notice not only did I just write that I was hungry, but also that I wanted cookies. These two words (hungry and cookies) were not in my vocabulary a year ago. I didn’t know what it meant to really feel true hunger and I sure didn’t know what it meant to eat (much less enjoy) a cookie.
However, today I LOVE desserts and I am not afraid to say I LOVE cookies. Now even as I typed that last sentence, it is still a little hard to write that. You see, while I have discovered in the last year that I love cookies, ED does NOT like them at all. So when I go to eat a cookie or a dessert after a meal, ED and I still have to have a conversation a lot of times. The difference is, I do not let his opinion influence my decision (something I never thought could be possible). However, sometimes his voice can get pretty loud with lies.
So after I finished several delicious homemade cookies that I myself had made (I never thought I would actually be able to eat my own baked goods), ED started to talk smack. He tried to filled my head with lies about the worth of those cookies, what they would do to me and all the reasons I had made a bad decision and how it would affect me.
Now I promised I would be honest on this blog, so here it goes…it was hard to hear ED say all those things. Even though I know that they aren’t true, even though I know he’s a liar, and even though the things he told me were irrational it was still hard. So what did I do? I told someone about how I was feeling. I cannot express how important that is. For me to actually say the things I am thinking out loud makes me realize how they truly are lies. So I told my boyfriend Dave. He not only spoke truth to me but also validated that while ED truly was making me feel those things, everything he was telling me was a lie (I know he’s pretty great!). He even reassured me that he had cookies that night as well and I didn’t think any of those things about him so why would about me. In other words, why would I hold myself to a different standard, then him and everyone else? Hearing those things was not only humbling and made me feel better, but also they allowed me to fight and diffuse ED’s voice for the night
What is the point of my story and why did I just write a post about my dessert? Well here’s the thing, I am not perfect and I am still recovering. ED’s voice is still loud sometimes but there is so much good in that story about cookies (and in the fact that I eat them). You see here I am a year into recovery and I am eating (and enjoying cookies). I am able to fight with and disagree with ED and even more I am able to disobey him. Now it took a lot of work, therapy, expressing my feelings, and changing my behaviors (all of which is not a piece of cake, literally and figuratively:)). However, it has been so worth it because I get to eat whatever food I want (and I actually feel hungry and full), I get to tell people how I feel, and I don’t have to hear ED’s voice playing like a broken record all day long. A year from now, maybe ED’s voice won’t be that loud…maybe it will be a whisper…maybe it won’t be there at all! I don’t know what will happen to ED’s voice but what I do know is that I am proud of myself for eating cookies and for realizing my worth is not made up of whether I eat cookies or not. So at the end of the day, in the scheme of life, cookies don’t really matter…but let me tell you I now find them truly delicious!
Praying that you can eat a cookie (or whatever your version of a cookie is) this week!
Just remember, YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!