When I was two I had a magic mirror (and at that age I loved mirrors but this one was my favorite). It was the Magic Mirror on the wall from Snow White. I could press a button and a voice asked, “Who the fairest of them all was?”. I loved when the mirror told me I was the fairest of them all. Back then, I thought I was the fairest and most beautiful girl in all the world…
Here I am almost twenty years later and I struggle looking in the mirror…I struggle to see the beauty that the precious little girl once saw. I hate that! I hate the fact that I often times do not see the young woman that others see or that I do not see reality in the mirror. I hate that ED lies to me about my beauty. I am aware that I often see a different person staring back and me and yet for so long that has been my reality (the lack of beauty in the mirror).
In the midst of my deepest battles with anorexia I still didn’t see the thinness or sickness on that girl’s face. I could look in the mirror at my worst and believe the lies that I was not thin enough which equaled I was not beautiful enough. However, I am blessed to look back on those photos and see how truly sick that lady was (Praise the Lord for His grace there!). So I have hope that one day I can look in the mirror and not dwell on looks but also not cringe at the woman looking back at me, because I know that no matter what I think of her, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made”.
When I struggle to see the beauty in myself I also struggle to see the beauty in life itself. ED uses these lies to trap me into sadness, brokenness, and heartache (and let me tell you he is a master at making me believe those lies). Over the weekend, I had some pretty intense moments with ED’s lies. Thankfully, my friend was in town this weekend and spoke truth to me. He told me not only how absolutely beautiful I looked to him (especially this weekend) but also how the last few days I had constantly been complimented on how beautiful and cute I looked. Now being the master I am at believing these lies, I reminded him that he had to say those things (in which he replied that was ridiculous he only told me the truth always) and that everyone had complimented my outfits not me (to which he also replied was also ridiculous, people did not say those are cute pants or a pretty dress they said YOU look pretty or cute).
I say those things not because I want to brag about how great I looked this weekend (because remember it’s still hard for me to take in) but also to say that even when I am doing well that ED can be really great at getting into my head and telling me lies. He never ceases me in his ability to trick and deceive me. However, when I least expect it I am to see a glimpse of beauty. This morning I woke up and threw on yoga pants, a t shirt, a hat and went sans make-up. And guess what? I felt really beautiful!
Even more than my outside beauty, I was reminded me that I was beautiful inside and out. For it truly is the beauty on the inside that really matters. Yet to say that to someone who struggles with ED (myself included) it is the toughest thing to hear. However, I have faith that my friends and the people that love me are not in my life because of my outward appearance (remember they have seen me at my worst). You are worth so much more than your outward beauty because that is merely an ounce of what your inner beauty is.
The more I fight ED’s voice the more I see the beauty in life all around me. The beauty in people, in kind gestures, in smiles, in notes and in everything around me. That is what makes life truly beautiful (not my reflection in the mirror). So here is my encouragement…ED may be telling you right now that you aren’t beautiful but that is the BIGGEST LIE. It’s the lie he uses to trick and send us into a downward spiral. Just remember that one day you will see you the beautiful you and there is one person (and I KNOW sooo many more people) who think you are absolutely BEAUTIFUL inside and out…just remember that…ALWAYS.
YOU are WORTH it and YOU are LOVED!!