At barely two I looked into the mirror, (about to take a photo with my family and new baby brother) and I starred back at my reflection. In the video that records this scene, you can hear my mother telling me to come on…I refuse to come take the picture…and there I sit in front of the mirror and announce to myself and my family around me, “My haar don look perty” (My hair don’t look pretty)…

Now some may think that little two year old girl was precious for saying that but honestly I think even at two that statement was a huge indicator of my personality. For whatever reason, I “knew” that I couldn’t take a picture because my hair didn’t look, “pretty”…it had to be perfect. And that is how I lived the first twenty years of my life striving for perfection that was unattainable.

Growing up I was the epitome of the “Little Miss Perfect” (it’s quite sickening looking back). And while I claimed to hate the nickname, deep down I loved it…because it meant I was doing something right. It meant that I was achieving what others thought was perfection. Oh how wrong they were,because inside I was dying. Do you know how hard it is to try to do everything right and perfect all the time (seriously it’s difficult always looking over your shoulder making sure someone didn’t see you mess up)? It was exhausting. And that is where ED helped me out, he told me exactly what I needed to do to achieve the ultimate perfection and that was be the thinnest possible…

ED had a solution for every failed test, bad situation, breakup, loss, (none of these which I outwardly expressed my feelings about, because that would have been too easy) and it was, control it…with food. And the more I let ED take control, the farther I moved away from perfection (not that perfection should be the goal, it SHOULD NOT but it’s just ironic that what I desperately wanted, I was slipping away from). Of course he told me the thinner I got, the more I was reaching perfection. However, the thinner became, the more I lost…grades, relationships, friendships, social events, energy, and ultimately happiness. Yet, ED promised just a few more pounds and I would be there. Well…it never happened…no matter how thin I got…it never worked. And then one day I realized, this whole perfection thing wasn’t any fun, and it sure wasn’t getting me anywhere.

That’s where grace came in and that is where the healing began. Now it sounds like I learned these lessons overnight. HA! If only that were true and if only I didn’t have to go through pain and suffering to get there. But I did and without these circumstances I am not sure grace would be as real to me as it is now. It finally sunk in that the God that I loved didn’t love me because I was perfect, He loved me in spite of the fact that I wasn’t. And nothing I could do would make Him love me any more or any less than He did right then. As my dear friend says, “It’s okay that we’re not okay because Jesus is better than being better.” It was that message that made the darkness bearable and reminded me that there was light at the end even when I couldn’t’ see it. And those people who thought I was so perfect, well they loved the not perfect MK even more, because she was real. Unlike, perfect MK they could identify with the real MK (funny how I was convinced they wouldn’t know how to handle not perfect me).

So what about today? Do I still strive for that perfection? Even those questions make me laugh out loud. Because,  MK today cannot live without grace, because she is one big mess! And the fact that she is not perfect is totally okay. “Perfect MK” lived a really miserable life that led to a really horrible relationship with ED. MK today, she messes up about every other minute (Don’t read too carefully I am sure there are a multitude of mistakes in this blog in fact. :)). However, she is learning to accept the fact that it is okay, because nobody is perfect and Jesus and the people in her life love the messy MK and so does she!

Maybe perfection is your goal (just like it was mine)…maybe it fuels your relationship with ED…maybe it’s tearing you apart… Let me tell you no matter how hard you try it’s not going to get you anywhere but misery and heartache… and even more, I bet (actually I feel positive!) the people in your life would LOVE the not so perfect you even more than you could ever imagine…So just remember it’s okay to NOT be perfect…in fact it’s pretty nice…and remember ALWAYS…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH IT!

❤ MK