Roses, Sunshine, and a Little Bit of Grief

Bear Bear my favorite teddy was my comforter on my sad days…him, chocolate milk, and Cinderella comforted me when I was sick, sad, or upset…However, during those days it was easy to fix a bad day with a good movie, cuddles, a dime store toy, and even a smile…life was simple. As I got older life became more complicated…

This past Thanksgiving week, I had one of the best weeks I have ever had. I got to enjoy two Thanksgiving meals with amazing families, get to see my best friends, watched and attended two amazing football games, and be incredibly thankful (or as I like to say, Beyond Blessed). When I look back on my past year I am literally amazed at God’s grace in bringing me where I am today. This past week I experienced some of the best days I ever have, yet I did some grieving in the midst of all the beauty…

Some may say that doesn’t make sense… Why be sad or grieve over anything when you are in the midst of such thankfulness? So my friends I am sorry if my grief doesn’t make sense to you but it did to me. I believe that anytime we lose someone or something we go through a grieving process that truly has no time line( for some it’s short and some it takes quite awhile). For each person grief is different.

This past week I went through some grieving of my former life with ED. It’s funny, ED  himself wasn’t loud this week. In fact I didn’t really hear his voice  at all (he wasn’t even hiding behind the chocolate pie or my favorite sweet potatoes. Now that is freedom!:)). However, when I thought back over this time last year a sadness washed over me, a sadness for the girl I used to be, for the life I used to live, for my relationship with ED. My favorite guy asked me what I thought was making me sad…I finally realized what it was. I  was grieving over the girl I once was and over my relationship with ED.

Don’t get me wrong, I DO NOT wanna go back to that life. I don’t wanna be friends with ED. I don’t want my life like it was a year ago. However, I was sad over all that I had lost to ED , all I had lost to my Anorexia and all the pain and hurt I felt because of it all. I was grieving the life I once had and even though I don’t  want any of it back this life was  with me for so many years…so I grieved over the loss of it all.

I cried for that girl, for the pain, for the hurt, for all that I lost. And then once I cried, I moped, and I was sad for a bit (thank goodness I had a trooper there for support) and then it was over. The fog was lifted. The sadness was gone and I was once again thankful. I realized I had never fully grieved for that sad, scared, lost girl and for her former life. Something about this past week (probably the security and love I felt) made me able to grieve and let it out. And now I feel so much better!

I think with any loss including a loss with a relationship with ED comes grieving. For me even though it wasn’t fun, I think this grieving was a huge step and realization of how far I have come in my recovery. Sure there may be dates or certain events (such as with any loss) that may trigger some memories or sadness of my former life. But now that I have finally grieved for that former life, I feel lighter, I feel happier, and I feel back to the new MK.

So like I said on my first post…the journey isn’t always roses and sunshine but it’s worth it. Grieving is a part of the process…so don’t be afraid (like I was for so long) to let it out and to let it go. Within the grieving this past week, there was a whole lot of happy and a whole lot of thankfulness. Because I am one beyond blessed girl…

Through it all, grieving or not, ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!!

<3MK

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