I was inquisitive as a young girl… I was the first to try new things. I wanted to know how to do things and asked questions constantly… I was fearless and every time I tried something new and liked it there was great joy to be found…that little girl got lost for awhile…ED stole that joy of trying new things…because it was scary…
However, these days that little girl with a childlike spirit is back and believe it or not she has been trying a lot of new things…and LOVING them. For anyone who has struggled with ED, stepping outside a box of the norm or familiar, whether it be food, routine, clothes, friends, can be absolutely terrifying. ED gives us a set of rules by which we live our life. He tells us the things we do and do not eat, the things we do and do not wear, the places we do and do not go, and the way we “feel” or do not “feel” about ourselves. If this sounds terrible to you, it’s because it is. There is no fun or enjoyment in letting “someone else” run your life for you, and believe me that is what ED loves to do.
So now that I am living my life away from ED…only MK decides what she wants or does not want to do. And let’s just say that MK likes trying new things and being adventurous and even spontaneous. ED would have never allowed this! In the past few weeks, I have bought new clothing, including some pretty sparkly dresses for special occasions that I never would have bought or worn in the past and not because there was anything wrong with them but because aren’t the usually “baggy I can’t tell your shape clothing” I was used to wearing. Going along with clothing, I now wear some of the brightest clothing ever! ED never liked bright clothing because it drew too much attention. I have given up Diet Coke and even drank a real coke the other day for the first time in years and actually enjoyed it. For any of you who know me this was a HUGE feat as I loved my DC!! The idea is not to switch to regular coke but to not rely on caffeine as it was part of my relationship with ED and that meant giving up my beloved DC. I spent the weekend with a group of really great guys and didn’t once worry about the way that I looked. I ate more than two pieces of pizza and didn’t think twice because I was hungry. I made some new friends. I realized that my own insecurities were keeping me from enjoying some really great people and so once I realized this I was able to make some new friends. And last but not least I have actually learned to enjoy chocolate, especially dark chocolate and now I don’t obsess or think about it after I eat it.
Maybe these don’t seem like huge feats or accomplishments to you but to me they are. All of these are things that represent just how far I have come in my recovery and are huge signs of progress and freedom. A year ago I could have never even thought of doing any of the things above and even six months ago I would have been severely hesitant to enjoy most of them. However, today this is the real MK, the girl who loves doing all the things above and knows that these are little things. And that these little things represent HUGE steps, that are just the beginning of a life full of little joys and treasures to discover…because this girl is walking in an amazing freedom and she wants it for you too!
If you think I am crazy for doing any of the above items, I get it. I would have never believed it was possible that I could do any of those things…but here I am loving it all and telling you that it is sooo worth it! It is possible for you too and you CAN experience all those and will too the more you separate from ED. And you will experience more joy along with all of the joy that comes from trying new things. ALWAYS REMEMBER…
YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!!