I have never really known much about building anything. I didn’t know all that building entailed. Sure I had my Lego extravaganza moments but I was never a master builder. I eventually learned, that in order to have a good structure everything I built required a good foundation. Instead, of focusing on building the coolest, highest building ever, I should have focused on making my foundation stable in order to create a lasting structure. Little did I know that my life was much like the buildings that stood for a few minutes and then came tumbling down…
A year ago my life was in utter shambles. For those of you who didn’t experience that part of my journey with me, be grateful. My life was a literal mess. Just like my beautiful buildings, for awhile, I looked semi sparkling on the outside but my foundation needed a lot of work because I was in the process of crumbling. I was depressed, anxious, hurt, scared, angry, undernourished, and so so weak. I had committed to my recovery but I was struggling step by step through it. What I would learn later is that I was rebuilding my foundation to be stronger, and to withstand anything that came my way.
My recovery a year ago was not only a struggle but a fight. I had to fight Ed it seemed every minute of everyday. I had to fight to put tiny bites of food into my mouth. I had to fight to eat many times a day. I had to fight to get out of bed. I had to fight to put my recovery first. And I had to fight to wake up each morning and do it again. Sound pretty awful? I’m not going to lie to you, it was. It was the hardest thing I have ever and probably will ever have to do. What I didn’t know at the time though, was that it wasn’t going to be awful always and that today looking back on a year ago I definitely do not feel awful. In fact, today I feel pretty wonderful.
As I mentioned earlier I didn’t know I was rebuilding my foundation. I was relearning how to eat, how to deal with stress, how to cope, and how to live my life without Ed. I was finding out who I was at the core and why I was the way I was and why I dealt with life the way I did and how to change quite a lot about myself. All of this challenged the foundation that Ed had helped me once built and the foundation on which my eating disorder survived. Since I didn’t want to continue living the way I once was I had to rip up my old foundation and start from square one.
My pastor on Sunday, said that to find out who we are we must seek outside counsel and have inside accountability. Well let me tell you folks I had my share of many hours of outside counsel by a phenomenal woman who I truly believe is one of the most amazing counselors. That in itself was great but each time I walked out of her office I had a choice to implicate the changes in my life that we had discussed that session. If i had been left to my own devices, I never would have done it, but thankfully I had many, many cheerleaders and supporters who kept me accountable and helped me recover. They not only encouraged me but they truly kept me accountable for my recovery and sticking to my plan.
Many counseling sessions, nutrition sessions, psych sessions, doctors appts, meals with friends, and phone calls later, I am here in a state of recovery I never thought possible. And honestly it would have never been had I not torn up that icky foundation which included my relationship with a Ed and laid a new one of grace, love, and acceptance. I may have had to do a lot of hard work to tear up and lay down a new foundation in my life but it would have never been possible without the support I received throughout this long continuous journey. I had a God who loved me and gave me grace unconditionally, friends and family members that displayed this unconditional love and support, and many professional support team members who helped me rip up and lay down a new foundation.
I have no doubt that this new year will come with its own sets of ups and downs and its own set of triumphs and struggles but I know who I am at the core now and I have a new foundation that won’t be torn down. As Marty Grubbs says, “It is going to take work to build a solid foundation because it will be tested. Your foundation has to be something you can hold on to that will not wavier in the storm.” And tested my foundation was but because of that testing it is now as solid as ever and throughout any storm I know it will stand strong. I will be tested and tough times will come in the coming years but my foundation will stand firm. Maybe you are like me and you had no idea that your foundation was rocky. Maybe you know you’ve needed a new foundation for awhile but don’t know how to do it. Maybe this all just sounds a little crazy and overwhelming. I can relate to all of it because I have been there. But let me tell you friend, there is hope and you can do it no matter how difficult and impossible it may seem. You CAN and you WILL do it but like Marty says it will be tested. However, let me add that it WILL be worth it to live a life free from Ed and drinking in that freedom of your new foundation and life will be something wonderful you could have never imagined.
So tonight I rejoice, I reflect, and I ring in the new year with someone who loves me exactly as I am. I know that not everyday will be an amazing day but that too is okay because I now have an unshakeable foundation, a faith that is stronger than ever, and freedom I never thought possible. I hope and pray that this is what you find in the new year, that you find the true freedom that living without Ed and building a strong foundation brings, because you deserve it more than you know. So as you get ready to toast to a new year…ALWAYS REMEMBER…
YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it,