Owning The Mess

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“Either I can be here, fully here, my imperfect, messy, tired but wholly present self, or I can miss it- this moment, this conversation, whatever it is-because I’m trying, and failing, to be perfect. But this season I am not trying for perfect. I’m just trying to show up, every time, with honesty and attentiveness.”Bread & Wine

I am sitting here in our immaculate bedroom, in the background great music is playing, a creme brûlée scented candle is burning, I am lounging on our made up bed complete with throw pillows, and to top it off I am writing all of this in a perfectly coordinated outfit. This is the MK I am totally comfortable with. It is this MK that if you dropped by right now, would welcome you into her home and maybe even offer to make you some homemade cookies. However, that is the MK who I would like you to think I am 100% of the time, when the truth is that MK is who I am maybe 1% of the time. In fact, if you had dropped by earlier today you would have found me a messy disheveled girl, wearing a stained t shirt, hair piled haphazardly on my head, receipts and a paperwork spread all over my floor, bed unmade, throw pillows everywhere, a huge pile of laundry in the middle of the room and music blaring. If you had rung my doorbell this afternoon, I would have hid behind it, praying my cellphone wasn’t on loud and you didn’t hear it ring and in turn discover I was home. I would have been mortified if you had seen me in the midst of that mess.  And I would have been scared that you would have guessed that MK is the real me…

Just like the phyiscal mess I sat in today, I am well aware that my life once contained a mess. As I continue to share my story with others I begin to believe I am okay with my mess. However, the truth is I  was/am only okay with my mess to a certain point. I am totally fine with sharing details about my hardest days in the past but what about when someone asks me if I still struggle? What if they want to know if certain things are still hard for me? I push back, I don’t want to talk about that but the truth is I need to, we all do. It in these moments that I have a choice to make.

Just like today, what happens if my friend drops by and I look less than presentable and my room is a mess? What if they have time for a quick lunch and I haven’t showered that day? What if someone wants to get together and it is just a rough day? In these times, I get an opportunity to make a choice. I can either push them away or invite them into my daily mess, the unglamorous, sometimes ugly, hard moments of everyday life. So friends, I am making a choice and I am going to try to keep making this choice. The secret is out…my life is still kinda a mess and I secretly hope I am not alone in this. It doesn’t make me any less of a  wife, recovery warrior, believer, friend, daughter, sister, or person to admit that. However, sometimes I have this deep dark fear that if people knew I didn’t wash my hair everyday, that I get way too emotional at times, that I talk too much, that some days I stay in yoga pants all day and that some days I still struggle, then they might look at me differently. However, I am making the decision to be real and share the mess anyway.

Just like the quote states, when I choose to be fully here in my mess. I experience life and I am myself. Just like I used to hide my identity in Ed I still try to hide my identity on being the girl who has a perfect story of recovery. Trying to be perfect on any level and not embrace my mess is not only the opposite of grace but it also causes me to not live my life in the moment. When I worry about what people think of my mess then I am not experiencing life to the fullest.

I am going back to my roots I am going to continue to leave my perfectionist ways behind and learn grace and begin to have more of it for myself. I am going to be fully here, even if that means unmade up, t shirt wearing, crying MK, even if that means inviting people into a messy room, even if that means forgoing laundry for a deep conversation instead. I want to show up. I want to be present not perfect. I want to live life fully. I want to show grace. I want to own my mess.

Friends, will you join me? Will you begin to own and share your mess? Will you let others in, even if it is hard? Will you just show up and be present even if it is hard? Something tells me it will be worth it, more than we can imagine.

So much love for you!

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41 thoughts on “Owning The Mess

  1. Yes, MK! I’ll join you! I can totally relate to this…the perfectionism, the desire to leave it behind and embrace messiness. I recently blogged about that very topic. And, in my quest to live a more authentic life (I love that quote from “Bread and Wine”), I’m realizing that yes, I can reach out for support when I’m in the midst of pain and not just afterwards. I’ve been so blessed to discover how much support and love have been there waiting for me to receive…gifts that my perfect self rejected out of fear of people seeing the real me. But, the real me (the real YOU) is beautiful! So, let’s both own the mess! Blessings to you! –Megan

    • Thank you thank you thank you for reading and sharing my friend!! You are wonderful!! SO so agree with what you said and thankful that you are being the real you! Amen sister! Let’s own our mess! SO much love MK

  2. Love. this. You are amazing. Thank you for sharing. I think for women most especially, there is such a “Pinteresty” standard to always be our best. Look our best. Act our best. Show our best. Pretend that we are the best. And most of us are just “normal” beings trying to work through our own insecurities, while trying not to compare ourselves to what seems like “perfection” staring us in the face through family, friends and coworkers each day. Thank you for being so beautifully honest. We need more of that in our world, because goodness knows, we are not meant to be perfect. We are meant to rely on our faith and trust in the beauty that God used in creating each of our souls. And working to let our insides pour out and shine. Such a great post!! xoxo

    • Oh I just love everything you said. Ugh and I hate that it is so hard to do that in today’s society, it really breaks my heart. Love your passion to be real and share your mess. You are wonderful! Love you sister MK

  3. I love this so much! I have been a mess today and feel like every post I see on Instagram is a person who has it all together. Just know perfection is an unattainable standard and therefore will never truly fulfill you. I’m happy to join you in owning my mess!

  4. This is beautiful! I struggle sometimes to accept the mess that is my life, but the truth is that I am proud of it. It is part of who I am! Now if I could just remember to vacuum the floors more often… 🙂

  5. I found you through your feature on Chelsea’s blog & I absolutely love this post. I am a full believer in embracing the mess, although it’s so hard sometimes. For me, all it takes is one person to say “hey, I know you and I know you aren’t yourself, let’s grab lunch and talk through this mess, I’m here for you!” & I usually can open up and let the mess out. Can’t wait to read more from you MK!

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