Author Archives: marthakate

Lessons From My Planner

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Anyone that knows me, knows that my planner stays glued to my side. If I don’t have my planner I feel incomplete, sad as that may sound, it is the truth. I check it multiple times a day making sure I am not missing anything on my to do list. I write down everything from appointments to the things on my to do list. My planner is a tad overwhelming…so it is no surprise that sometimes just looking at it creates more anxiety than necessary. There are some nights before I go to bed that I deliberately do not look at it because frankly I don’t want to know what all I have to do tomorrow. And yet as I write those last few sentences I have to laugh because I am not sure why I continue to plan every detail of my life out…because frankly life never works out how I plan it… and I am learning to be more than okay with that…

When I entered TCU I was set on being an attorney and not just any attorney but one day the District Attorney. High achiever much?! Fast forward four years later and I am a wedding planner/coordinator and non-profit employee. I couldn’t have ended up on more opposite ends of the spectrum. When I was fifteen I was convinced that the guy I was “dating” was the one for me….thank goodness he wasn’t. When I was three I knew I was going to be a star ballerina and model. If you have read my earlier post you know all about that, let’s just say I am grateful it never happened. Even more, when I admitted I had a problem with Ed I thought I would only let my very closest friends know and then once I was over it I would never talk about it again. Here is where you can chuckle to yourself as I share on a daily basis, especially on this blog all about my journey. In fact, anyone could find out about my story now if they wanted. Life is so funny that way. Honestly, I don’t know why I continue to plan, because I know who holds a much bigger plan for my life and I am grateful at the end of the day that I have a trust much bigger than my own.

Yet, here I am the constant planner of every detail and activity (at least it got me a job where I can put my skills to work;)). And yet sometimes I realize that when I plan every detail I miss so much of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think planning in itself is horrible. In fact, I appreciate it when friends, dates, people in general plan out certain activities we are going to do when we’re together. I appreciate knowing big event dates in advance to mark on my calendar. I appreciate going on a vacation where travel and accommodations has been checked into. Planning in itself is not a horrible thing but when I get wrapped up in it and forget to enjoy my life then it is a major problem. I am going to be honest here and say that I do this a lot. I get so wrapped up in the planning of certain things that I forget to sit back, breathe and enjoy it. Even this evening I have made a to do list of all I need to do till graduation…instead of rolling with the punches. That list is what inspired this post, so believe me when I say this post is as much for me as it is for you.

If you can imagine it, there was a time in my life that I was so wrapped up in the details of  my planning that I went from one activity to another without taking any time for me or frankly taking care of myself. It was bad…really bad. And I bet you can guess that I ended up a mess in the end. I think there is a healthy balance. I don’t want to have nothing planned ever…but I also don’t want to plan so much that I forget to enjoy the moments in my life. I am about to start a new chapter in my life post grad and nothing would break my heart more than getting so caught up in all I have to do than for me to forget to sit back and enjoy it this beautiful time in my life.

Honestly, some of my best memories have come from things that I never planned on happening, hangouts with friends that were spur of the moment, relationships I never expected, surprises that truly surprised me, spontaneous decisions. I am truly grateful for those moments, it is in those that I have really experienced life. Sometimes we get so caught up in our busyness that coffee with a friend just becomes one more appointment on the calendar for the day. I have definitely had those…and it makes me sad. My relationships are what is most important in my life and when I get so caught up in my “plans” I am not only suffering but so are the people in my life. I want to enjoy my coffee and lunch dates with the people I care about or the shopping trips with my best friend and not have to worry that in thirty minutes I have to be someplace else. Life is too short for us not to enjoy every moment!

Nothing of which I just said is easy for me, because it means I have to learn that it is okay to get five things rather than twenty five done in a day. It means that I may not get to see five friends in one day but have meaningful time with two. It means that I have to learn to leave my planner at home and just enjoy a day without it. It means that I have to take care of myself so I am not run down. Any of this resonate with you friend? Maybe it does or maybe it doesn’t but I just want to encourage you that I am not perfect (and I never will be nor do I want to be perfect at it because that would be a different issue) but I am getting better and that is all I can do. I am learning to say no and not overbook. I am learning that I do have time for things that are really important to me and there are some things that aren’t and that is okay! I am learning that a day without looking at my planner is peaceful. And I am learning that everything does not have to be done in a day. Maybe these all describe you. Maybe they don’t. Maybe you can relate but have different areas to work on. Take some time to take a deep breath, spend some time without the planner, do something you truly want to do, and heck even do something unplanned.  My Friends, life is too short for you not to truly live every moment. I hope you do that this week….and may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!!

<3MK

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A Broken Smile

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She’s the girl with the smile always on her face. I honestly don’t think she ever gets mad. She is happy ALL the time. Those were just some of the descriptions of a girl who was always smiling no matter what happened, a girl who before everything else kept a smile on her face and always appeared happy. Yet, beneath the smile she was broken, she was sad, she was hurting but know one would have ever known, because she kept a beautiful smile on her face. Sound sad? It was and I know just how sad…because that girl was me…

When Ed and I became friends the first thing he taught me was to numb out to my feelings. For anyone who has ever had an eating disorder, we know that it is not just about the food. For me, every time I restricted I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to be aware of how much I was hurting. I allowed my feelings to go numb. Even the happiness that appeared to radiate from me was a desperate cry for help, but no one would have ever known because I didn’t let people see the hurt that I suffered daily.

When I first admitted I had a problem and began to seek help for it, I was terrified and one of the reasons I was most terrified was I was scared to feel. What if things hurt too bad, what if I got really sad, what if I got mad? Even more what if my feelings were silly? What if people thought they were crazy? What if they didn’t understand? What if they were uncontrollable? Ed had fed me so many lies about how it was better not to feel. He told me how I was only going to get let down if I let go of him. What I didn’t realize at the time was that not only was I not able to truly feel anything that could possibly hurt me, I also couldn’t experience true joy either. I couldn’t fully enjoy things. I wasn’t really happy.

There were so many events and situations that happened during my life with Ed that at the time I didn’t experience. From joyous occasions to terrible ones I wasn’t really there to feel them. Much of my problem revolved around the fact that not only was I numb but also I had been told for so long by Ed that my feelings were invalid. He told me I didn’t deserve to feel the way that I did and even more that everyone else thought the same that he did. He told me how to deal with it, by restricting, and therefore the cycle continued.

The other day I was put in a situation that was hurtful. It doesn’t matter what happened but suffice it to say I was hurt about it. My immediate reaction was to dismiss this hurt, to think MK you are overreacting. However, I know better than to do that. So I texted a sweet sister who understands my struggles better than anyone and I told her the situation. She texted me back immediately with not only encouragement and wise words but also you know what else she said?! She told me my feelings were valid and that I had every right to feel that way and not to tell myself any differently. I am so grateful for her (for an abundance of reasons but especially then!) because she was exactly right and she spoke truth to me. You see, it is not even the situation that matters it was the fact that I needed to allow myself to feel. It didn’t matter if someone else thought I was overreacting or silly. It didn’t matter if they didn’t understand. For the moment, I was sad, I was hurt, I was disappointed, I was confused. And you know what? It felt pretty incredible to be able to feel those things. Not because they are the most wonderful feelings but because I knew that I was really experiencing life and I also knew that I wasn’t numbing out. I also know that if I can feel those than I can also be genuinely happy and excited when amazing things happen. Once I was able to be hurt and feel those things I was also able to understand why and honestly felt better about it because I dealt with it.

Life isn’t always happy and wonderful, sometimes, a lot of times it is quite messy. However, I am okay with all of that now because I know that I am not checking out to life the bad or the good. It is hard sometimes though and just like the situation the other day, I I am not careful I have the tendency to dismiss my feelings when it seems to much. Whether you deal with an Ed or not I think it is so easy to be consumed with things in our lives that distract us from how we feel.  It is painful many times and we don’t want to feel pain. We forget though that when we  do that, we also don’t experience true joy either. We don’t allow ourselves to be real when we aren’t feeling. We don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We worry others might not understand and might think we are being ridiculous. We forget that they are our feelings not anyone else’s and therefore no one should be able to dictate how we feel except us. When we allow ourselves to really feel we are truly experiencing life, we don’t stuff down issues that WILL come up later and I guarantee will be harder to deal with the next time around.

Maybe you’re the girl with the smile always on your face, maybe you are the one who doesn’t allow yourself to feel. Maybe you numb it, with or without food, maybe it is with another addiction, maybe it is with work, maybe you will happily deal with how others feel but not you…whatever it is, I just want to encourage you friend that your feelings are valid. Even more I want to tell you that no matter how scary you think it might be to start feeling, it will be worth it. Once you start experiencing life you truly get to live it! I may still have a smile on my face many times. However, I can guarantee though when it is there, it’s real and I want that for you too my friend…because you should ALWAYS REMEMBER…no matter how you are feeling…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!!

<3MK

Getting Joy Back

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I was barely four when I noticed the other girls in my ballet class. I remember distinctly my friend who had long, dark, flowing hair and was tall, at least tall for a four year old and had a thin build. I on the other hand was a normally sized not tall but not short, not large but not incredibly tiny either four year old.  However, all I knew was I didn’t look like my friend who I thought was beautiful. And all I wanted was to look as beautiful as I thought she was and whether I realized it or not it changed the way I danced and acted in the class because I didn’t see myself as good as she was. Theodore Roosevelt once stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” At four years old I learned what it was like to have joy stolen because of comparing myself to someone else. I may not remember that friend’s name but the lesson she taught me will forever be imprinted on my heart…

Today I had ballet, and as a twenty two year old I could  have reverted back to my four year old self in dance class.  I was reminded in class how easy it is to revert back to those thoughts and that attitude of comparison. Here we are college women  in unflattering leotards and tights standing in front of a full length mirror taking up the whole side of the room. Even more it’s a class where you are constantly required to look at yourself in the mirror to make sure you are doing the right dance moves. Let me be really honest here and add to that of list of things  and say that I am in no manner the most skilful ballet dancer. I may have had times in my life where dance was an important part of my life and I was a decent dancer but that is not now and my ballet skills now are definitely less than great.:)

For years Ed tortured my thoughts in everything from ballet to clothes shopping. I constantly compared myself to the models in magazines, to women I passed in stores, and even my best friends. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, fashionable enough, good enough, to name just a few. Today I looked at the girl in the mirror, the one who got ready for class in less than ten min, hair in a messy bun, no make up, in the not so flattering leotard, the girl who wasn’t quite keeping up with all the steps, and I smiled at her. I even laughed a little to myself, because I like that girl, in fact I love her. She is real. She is messy. She is completely imperfect. She may not be the best dancer or look incredible in that leotard but she is beautiful inside and out.

If I let myself I could compare myself to the beautiful people around me in the ballet class and otherwise…it would be so easy to do that. However, they aren’t me and I am not them. We don’t share the same stories, struggles, passions, and desires that make us who we really are, so why would I compare myself to someone who I am not? If I have learned anything in my relationship with Ed it is that he uses lies to tell you, that you aren’t worth it etc. and that so and so over there is better and if you looked and acted like she did you would be better. I spent years and years in this desperate trap and ended with up with nothing but despair. Comparing yourself does nothing but as Roosevelt says steal your joy. And steal my joy it did for so many years, but not anymore!

I would be lying if I said at times it wasn’t difficult to compare myself to someone else, not just in looks but in their life in general. It’s easier to do than we might think and it takes guarding your thoughts to learn not to succumb to such lies of comparison. However, it is so worth it!! When I spend less time looking at others lives and comparing them to mine then I have more time to see the blessings and joy mine is filled with. There is so many wonderful blessings in our life that we often never see when we spend time focusing on the things we don’t have. Believe me it is still a lesson I am learning. However, it is a lesson I couldn’t have learned with Ed’s lies still swimming in my head but when they went away it was easy for the comparison to go too.

Friend, maybe you hear those lies and they cause you to compare yourself with others. Maybe you are desperate because your joy is being stolen. Maybe you don’t have an Ed but you have something else in your life that causes you to compare yourself with others. Let me say this loud and clear…IT IS NOT WORTH IT!  I say that with so much love and compassion because I know how difficult it can be to realize this and let go of  what is stealing your joy but you CAN do it! I want you to realize that only YOU can be the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful, wise version of you, no one else can do that, so why compare yourself with someone who can NEVER be you?! Know that comparison only steals your joy and I want your life to be filled with joy!! And may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH IT!!

<3MK

Messy and Beautiful

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I was reminded today what it means to be truly beautiful and truly messy…There are a lot things and a lot of people who have impacted my journey through Ed recovery. However, I can honestly say that without this real messy and beautiful community I wouldn’t be where I am today. There are many memories that I will look back and cherish when I think of the last several years in recovery and those spent with this real community of people will undoubtedly be my fondest. Throughout my life I have had many dear, dear friends and if you asked many of my friends they would say I have an abundance of best friends. Today I was reminded of the importance of a community and not just a community but of people who I can be real with. It is through my real and raw community that I have made it this far in my journey…

For many years I tried to walk the journey alone…I kept the “I’m fine smile” plastered to my face while my heart broke. It didn’t matter what hardship or hurt came, I held it together because I could handle it. I didn’t need help. I didn’t want to open up and I certainly didn’t want to be a burden. Until one day, I broke…I couldn’t do it anymore. My life with Ed and so much other pain was too much. I needed help and I needed a community that could come alongside me. I needed people who could hold my hand, people who could wipe my tears, people who could speak truth, people who could see hope when I couldn’t. And when I reached out, when I cried help I was met ten fold with the most loving people I have ever met. I was surrounded with people who saw the light when I didn’t and who loved me in spite of my flaws.

I once had a friend tell me that he didn’t know anyone who had people who had real burdens or baggage in their lives. This statement made me sad because I knew that not only was it not true but it also meant that people in his life weren’t being real with one another. The fact of the matter is, we all have struggles, we all have burdens, we all have a story that has shaped and changed us. However, we have community to share in those struggles to help and love one another when life is too hard to bear alone and it is in that real community that we find our purpose for our struggles and helping others through theirs. I remember sitting in a car with a dear friend one night and after sharing my story and struggle, through tear filled eyes I looked straight at him and apologized. I apologized, for my story?! If I have learned one thing my friend, it is that you should never apologize for your story!!  I am so grateful that dear friend looked back and me and smiled and not only told me not to apologize but he also told me that this is what we are here for to help bear each others burdens and loads. I am grateful for that dear friend and the many since who have come along side me and not only helped bear my burden but also lighten it.

We all walk through some kind of our own personal wilderness and it is during those times that we are taught the most…it is there that we learn to love, to hope and to give and accept grace. The people in my life who are the most beautiful are the ones that have the most messiness in their lives. They are not only the ones with messiness in their lives but they are the ones with messiness who are not afraid to share it with each other and be real about their mess. They are not afraid to come up along side one another and love each other well through the mess and speak truth. They love unconditionally and give grace freely. They are the beautiful people who help give hope in the darkness and share the truth which brings life. It is with this community of real, messy, and beautiful people that I have experienced love and grace more freely than ever before.

If we are being truthful we all have a messy life and those of us who deal with an Ed (or whatever your Ed may be) know bondage all too well. Friend, let me speak some truth to you today, find that community to share in life’s messiness. Find people you can be real with, who you can share your story with. Find people who will share their own story with you, people who will give love, grace, and truth freely. Find people who can help you bear your burdens and you can help them bear theirs. These my friends will become the most incredible friendships you will ever imagine. It is never easy to be real, to be vulnerable, to be messy but it’s worth it. Once we are real and we take off the really pretty masks only then are we able to become the truly messy beautiful people we were created to be.  Believe me there are more people out there than you could ever imagine who will LOVE the real YOU…  and may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

<3MK

The Beauty of Recovery

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This week I got to celebrate a week that I have never celebrated before…National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. It is a week that up until a year ago I had no idea it existed and even last year I wasn’t ready to celebrate it. However, this year I was ready to put on my party hat and go.  You see my friend, that’s the beauty of recovery…

This week I have learned all about the beauty of recovery and I am so beyond blessed to be at this place in my recovery, to not only get to experience recovery everyday but also see the immense beauty in it. This past week I got an opportunity to be interviewed on the news. In my interview, I talked about how beautiful life can be and is, one you make the decision to recover. I’ve said it before but it is definitely not all roses and sunshine but it is so beautiful even in the midst of the mess. I can’t imagine sharing that view point a year ago but I was told that this year my eyes sparkled with the joy of recovery and I can’t imagine a better compliment. That is the beauty of recovery.

During this week, I also got to bring an amazing woman and dear friend to speak at TCU, Lori shared with nearly 5oo women about her journey with an eating disorder and her story of recovery. There is nothing more encouraging than seeing young women and men listening to how to recover and then making the decision to recover. Lori has a passion for helping other women and I am grateful to be able to work with her this semester and help other men and women who struggle with Ed. As I sat in the room Tuesday night and listened to Lori speak my eyes couldn’t help but fill with tears as I thought back to myself a year ago. I can’t count the amount of times I heard about eating disorders and sat there in denial, that it wasn’t me they were describing and that I didn’t need help. Yet, my life was collapsing around me and I could barely keep my head above water. However, Tuesday night I got to be the one who introduced Lori and I got to share part of my story. That is the the beauty of recovery.

Life truly has come full circle and I am amazed that a year later I am in the place that I am. It is nothing short of a miracle. This year I have learned that recovery is truly beautiful and there are so many things to be enjoyed in recovery. I can enjoy eating chocolate cake. I can enjoy getting dressed and going shopping. I can enjoy a meal out with friends. I can enjoy precious time with my friends and not be distracted. I can enjoy being vulnerable. I can enjoy being a mess at times because I don’t have it all together. I can enjoy my life to the fullest. I can enjoy sharing my story with others. That is the beauty of recovery.

There are so many things that recovery has taught me and once again I was reminded of this during my week of celebration. I used to never be able to deal with a change of plans, a surprise, or the unknown. None of these mixed well with my desire for control. This week I feel like my life has been filled with the unexpected surprises, twists, turns, blessings and more. And now all I do is laugh and say I should have figured:)  Not having to have my life, my week, or my day planned/or turn out how I thought it would, that is the beauty of recovery.

My life is full and I am grateful for this journey that I started on two years ago. It makes life amazingl, messy, fun, joyful, and a little crazy at times but sooo beautiful! So my friend I hope if you are reading this you know that this can happen for you too. Next year during this special week I hope you will be celebrating with me and soaking in all the beauty that is recovery…and may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

<3MK

Dancing for Molly

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This will be the eighth birthday that my true best friend hasn’t been here to celebrate. While her birthday is the 26th I wanted to make sure that she got all the celebrating she deserved so I started early. Eight years ago last week my best friend left this world of pain and suffering and gained a much more beautiful eternal life. While there is a day that I remember her leaving this world, tomorrow is not that day, so tomorrow I will celebrate. I will celebrate the life that she lived, the people that she touched, and the joy that she always overflowed with. Tomorrow my best friend would be twenty three and so I will celebrate her birthday as if she was still here.

As I sit here writing my heart can’t help but smile at the fourteen years that she lived better than most adults. Molly was simply wise beyond her years and taught me more lessons in our too short friendship than I could have ever hoped to learn. While the statistics may show she died incredibly too young from a Cancer that took her life from her, I choose to believe that she lived those fourteen years incredibly well. Molly lost her life to a Cancer that she battled courageously. However, that was merely less than the last year of her life…before that she had thirteen years and those are the years I want to remember today.

If you ever had the privilege of meeting Mo you were blessed. She had a smile that made a room light up and I remember sitting on my bed laughing at boy stories, our giggles nearly waking my parents. She had a style that was incredibly sophisticated. I remember shopping and buying matching shirts, to obviously be worn on the same day and convincing our mothers that we needed just one more piece of clothing. She had a heart that served others. I remember spending time with our siblings and the love and care she showed them all, whether it be watching movies or attending a sporting event. She had grace about her that radiated. I remember watching her dance and being in awe of how talented she was.

Molly was the best friend that kept all my secrets. She helped mend my broken 7th grade heart. She encouraged me in my school work. She gave me advice when mom’s didn’t cut it. She laughed with me at all our favorite inside jokes. She was my best friend. I still can hear the phone ringing at the same time every afternoon as she called and we reminisced about the school day that we had just spend together (many of the days riding to and from school together). No matter how much time we were together it was never enough. Now I treasure those moments that we spent together day after day. There is so much that I could say about my best friend but none of the words do justice to the amazing person that she was.

When Molly passed away my heart felt like it broke in two and not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Every special milestone, every broken heart, every new secret, I wish she was by my side. However, instead of letting my life be dictated by the hole in my heart I choose to “Dance for Molly”. I choose to live my life to the fullest. I choose to spend time helping others. I choose to share my story. I choose to make my best friend proud. Molly was not only my best friend but also my role model. Even in her last days she lived her life in a manner that I only hoped to emulate.

Molly was many wonderful things, a beautiful daughter and sister, a brilliant student, a Cancer warrior, a kind-hearted activist,  a graceful dancer but more than anything to me she will always be my very best friend. Tomorrow I will celebrate the birthday of my best friend and I will smile and “Dance for Molly”. Happy Birthday my Beautiful Best Friend!

Maybe you knew Molly and maybe this is your first time “meeting her” but either way know that you have a beautiful life that is ready to live and she and I both want you to live that amazing life. So join me tomorrow in “Dancing for Molly” and living each moment in life to the fullest, and no matter what… ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

<3MK

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go

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There is a hymn that has been on my heart the last few weeks and while it has always been my favorite in the last few weeks it holds an even deeper significance. When I sang this song last night, my eyes couldn’t help but fill with tears as I sang the words that I knew were true. Much like the title of this blog post the hymn is entitled, “O Love That Will Not Let Me Go”. I wanted to share with you what has become my favorite verse and my heartsong the last few weeks:

“O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.”

That joy spoken about in the song is a joy that I have had to rely on the last few weeks for if I didn’t have that Joy and assurance I have no doubt that my life would look very different today and there is NO WAY that I would be standing here today with a smile on my face…

My last few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks I have endured in recovery. For whatever reason lack of medicine, new medicine, circumstances, or a combination of all of the above, my body or more my head decided we weren’t friends. By that I mean for the first time since I began my recovery from Ed I began to deal with a new onset of depression and anxiety and it was worse than I have felt. For those of you who have experienced depression and anxiety you know what I am talking about and for those who haven’t let me explain to you, it’s not something you can control. And I believe that lack of control is what made it the worst. I couldn’t stop the overwhelming feelings, the panic of being around people, the anxiety about merely getting out of bed, the lack of desire or motivation to do anything. It scared me…scratch that it terrified me because I had felt all those feelings before with Ed and in no manner was I going back to that place, EVER!

However, I didn’t have to because I now had the tools to use to help myself, I had support in my life to help me deal with it, and I had doctors to help me feel better physically. So after weeks of doctor phone calls, appointments, counseling sessions, missed classes, more appointments and lots of rest, I am beginning to feel back to the real MK but let me tell you as with anything we must go through in life in order to become stronger it was and still is really difficult.

I say it is difficult not because I am scared that I can’t do it but because suddenly having your world shaken at the core, dealing with issues you thought you had “overcome” and feeling helpless are not on my top three fun things to do list. I can’t begin to describe the feeling of not only not feeling in control but also having others do things for you because mentally and physically you can’t. While each day I make huge progress, I have to remind myself that I am not in a sprint, that slow and steady indeed does win the race and in fact that is what is going to help me get to the finish line.

Even though the last few weeks have remained some of the most difficult that I could ever imagine, I remain joyful and grateful not because life is so good but because He is so good all the time. It is His grace, love, and comfort that have been with me through the entirety of this healing and will continue to be. There is a passage in the Bible that says He will never leave or forsake you. One of my friends added her name to this stating that just like Jesus she would never leave my side. Not only has she proven this to be true but so have so many others in this journey. There is no way I could have made it through the last few weeks without the unconditional love and support from my friends and family who put my healing at the top of not only their prayer list but also in their everyday lives. The amount of calls, texts, letters, visits, presents, food, and prayers I have had in the last few weeks is unimaginable, not to mention the amazing women who have taken me to lunches, coffees, appointments and more. This does not even begin to include my parents and brother who have shown me more love and support than I thought possible. There are those of you have been especially important in my healing and you know who you are, whether you are the best friend who comforted my tears at four am or the  two amazing women that came to see me and pick me up out of bed in a distraught state and haven’t left my side,  my sweet kiddos and best friend who came over with bright smiles when I needed you most, each of you know who you are and what a huge role you have played in the last few weeks. While it would take an entire book to thank each of the MANY of you who have loved on me, know that each word, each gesture, and each prayer has been felt and that I am so grateful for YOU!

It may seem strange to say that I am grateful for the last few weeks but  I am. I am grateful to be reminded that He is the only one my life should be focused. I am grateful to know that I am not perfect nor do I have to be. And I am more than grateful to be reminded that I have a community/family of loved ones who anyone would be beyond blessed to have. More than anything I am grateful that I have a hope that is so much bigger than the mess of my depression and anxiety.

Like I said in my last post, I believe that God brings us through tough times to help and comfort others and to help us understand that He is who we need more than anything. So maybe my last post was just a forward to the last few weeks because I am certain that I never thought I would see the other side of much of this. However, like ALWAYS He remains faithful and no matter what trial may come I know I can make it through because of Him. I have learned even more what treasures I have for friends and how I truly am beyond blessed. I may be teased quite a bit for my catch phrase beyond blessed but I have never felt it more than the last few weeks.

Maybe this has been you or maybe you know someone who has experienced these things. I tell my story to let you know that no matter how crazy, sad, hard, or unimaginable life gets…it will be OKAY and that there is HOPE! There is soo soo much hope and my prayer is that you would find that hope, love, and grace. No matter what happens I hope YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it,

❤ MK

Comfort in an Imperfect Journey

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This week has been one of many articles, much story sharing, much attention that has led me back to the question: why do it? Why share with the world the most painful, intense, difficult, and messy part of my life? Why admit to having a disorder/addiction/problem/whatever you wanna call it that many may consider embarrassing and shameful? And I can tell you I didn’t have to think long about it, because sharing my story…sharing my journey…sharing my pain…makes all that I went through..it makes it all worth it…

I remember sitting in my therapist office at the very beginning of my recovery and sharing with her that one day I wanted to help others who struggled with Ed. At that point I had no idea how to even help myself. At that moment it was a wish, a dream, a small piece of hope that I held on to. All I knew at that moment was that if somehow, someway I could see the light and I could make it through the darkness, than I wanted to help others do it too. Believe me, I had no idea what it looked like and I couldn’t actually imagine actually being in a place where recovery meant freedom but today I am living in that freedom.

Fast forward a year later and I am blogging, speaking, advocating,networking, meeting, sharing, doing whatever I can to get the message of hope out there. I want people to know that Ed is real and he’s the worst “person” you could ever get into a relationship with but even more I want people to know that hope, that recovery is even more real and even more possible than you could ever imagine. At the end of the day my story is one of millions. I am one girl who had a relationship with Ed and decided to share. At the end of the day it’s not about me and it’s not about my own story. It is about the message of hope and the message of recovery…

I could have never imagined sharing my story with thousands. Being real, being honest, being open, and being imperfect were not things I knew how to do, but here I am today sharing all of that with all of you and it’s worth it more worth it than I could have ever dreamed. And the truth is, doing all of those things above are still difficult because I still am and will always be a work in progress. I still struggle, I still have bad days, I still get upset, my life is still far from perfect but that is OKAY.

I have said this many times before but my life today is beyond blessed and beyond beautiful; in the chaos, in the mess, in the imperfection it is beyond beautifully blessed. Even more than the incredible support that I received from those who love me the most, I have a God that led me through the darkness into the light. One of my favorite verses has become: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

So why do I blog? Why do I share? Why do I reach out? Because I received the ultimate comfort, the ultimate grace, the ultimate love. Now it’s my joy and even more a blessing to share that comfort, to share that hope, to share that grace, to share that love that is way bigger than me, that is way bigger than just my story. I hope my friend, that fills you with hope and you feel loved today, because that darkness doesn’t have to be there forever… and may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

<3MK

Scary but NOT Impossible

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There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, “Do one thing everyday that scares you.” I feel as if this has been the mantra of my life the last few weeks. Now if I am being honest, I did not set out for this to become the motto of my current life. However, I am also not so opposed to it after I have lived out the last few weeks and they have turned out incredible. You see if I were to describe myself even six months ago, fearful was something I fully embodied. Ed loved the fearful MK, she was obedient to her relationship with him and she would do anything for fear of losing that. Well this MK doesn’t live that life anymore and let’s just say the last few weeks have been all about being fearless, not fearful…

There are a lot of things that make me cringe and standing on a scale is one of them. In the last year, my treatment team and I made the decision for me to not know my weight and to this day I still don’t. The only time I step on the scale is when I go to the doctor and even then I have some incredible doctors who have techniques to make sure I never see or find out my weight. However, just the anticipation of stepping on the scale this week brought me into a panic. Even though I knew I would never see the number and no one would let me know my weight I still didn’t want to do it. That number used to hold so much power over me and the action of stepping on the scale has always brought back that same sinking feeling it did for so many years. This week though it didn’t. I went to the doctor, stepped on the scale, and stepped off it. Nothing happened. No fireworks, no fainting, nothing. I didn’t see the number and I didn’t think twice about it. In fact, my doctor and I didn’t talk about my actual weight at all. For once, I didn’t care about the number I didn’t care that other people in the office knew the number. While even as I type this it sounds crazy thinking about my former life, for once the scale didn’t hold the same power. Because for once in my life, I finally believe that I am not defined by that number. In truth that number means nothing. And not only did I conquer a huge fear in that realization but it also showed me how Ed doesn’t dictate my life anymore.

While we are on the subject of things that make MK cringe, another thing that has always made me cringe is form fitting clothing. And when I say form fitting, I mean leotard tight fitting clothing. The kind of clothing one might wear to dance or work out in. I have always felt incredibly self-conscious in any type of clothing that even slightly revealed my shape but especially in a dance/workout leotard type outfit. It brings me right back to my days of dance as a three year old, when I sadly was aware and focused on whether I was smaller or bigger than the other girls in the room. So what did I do this semester? I signed up for Ballet. Now this is in no way because I was itching to conquer my fear of leotards and mostly focused around the fact that in the last semester of my senior year I wanted to take a class that I loved. While I may have always hated leotards I have always loved dance. When I showed up for my first day of Ballet I was not altogether shocked that leotards and tights were the required attire. However, I was shocked when I went and bought my new dance attire and didn’t have a breakdown in the dressing room. Even more, I was severely shocked when I went to Ballet the next day wearing my mandatory leotard and tights and I felt fine. I even felt more than fine. In fact, I felt normal. I didn’t freak out, I didn’t have a melt down, I didn’t stare at my self in the mirror criticizing every part of my body,I just danced and I loved it! For the first time ever, I didn’t worry about how I looked in something or how other people thought I looked, I just enjoyed dancing.

And if conquering my leotard fears weren’t enough I decided I would conquer my other exercise fears as well. Part of my Anorexia revolved around my obsession to run and the over exercising I did only furthered my disorder. When I started treatment, I wasn’t allowed to exercise. In fact, I was forbidden from even going on a walk. That was how much my body needed to recover from all the damage that I did to it through exercise. I needed to rest and rest I did. This summer I started back to exercise in moderation but I knew I needed a little more support than solo exercising. So once again, I signed up for a fun class, jogging. And much to my surprise I have loved it. Because deep down MK loves exercise, it was Ed who warped her mind and made it torture. Even after class on Tuesday, when I learned that every machine in the rec shows how many calories you burn (Side note: This truly enraged me as I don’t think anyone needs to knows this info and it only furthers Ed’s lies.), I didn’t freak out. I found a way to use something to cover that part of the machine and moved on with my workout. I truly loved my workouts during my class and am looking forward to more. It’s not about the exercise anymore it’s about being able to feel my body move and even take time to think and clear my head. I wanted to reaffirm to myself that exercise in itself wasn’t awful but the way I had used it in the past certainly was, and even more that I was no longer that girl anymore.

So maybe you just read some of my accomplishments this past week and you are laughing to yourself because in the scheme of things these are all pretty minute accomplishments. And I totally understand that but for me they were all pretty huge deals and I think I speak for most with a relationship with Ed, when I say that these are just a few things at the core that we struggle with. For me the last week was spent doing things that scared me and learning that my life didn’t come crashing down when I did them and even more that I was not the same girl I used to be.

Now I don’t want to paint the rosy picture that none of these were hard to do. My best friends can tell you that I had quite a few panic sessions before I accomplished any of them and that everyday is not a great day and even more that I am in no way perfect in my recovery. However, the point is I accomplished them and learned to face my fears, some of my biggest fears. My eating disorder was about so much more than just food and control over my food. My relationship with Ed, encompassed much more, including: my relationship with my body, my body image, my weight, my exercise habits, my wardrobe and on and on, but my life isn’t dictated by any of those things anymore.

My point in writing this post is not to receive a pat on the back or a compliment on how great doing all these things are, while those are all very sweet things it’s not what I want. The purpose in this blog has always been to encourage others who are struggling with Ed and provide hope. Hope that there is life after Ed and that this life without Ed, is a beautiful life. So when you read this I want you to know that you too can do it. You too can accomplish all these things and more. I want you to know that recovery is possible and oh so worth it. Just reread what I just accomplished this week. MK with Ed could have never accomplished any of those things but MK without Ed sure can and has and even more she knows that this is just the beginning of a life without fear! Be encouraged my friend all this and more is possible for you too and always, ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

<3MK

Just a Tiny Snapshot of a Messy but a Beautiful Picture

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If you know me, then you know that I am pretty obsessed with pictures. To say I love them would be an understatement. I love both looking at and taking photos and my room at various times has had huge amounts of photos plastered all around them. These days my walls are not plastered with photos but don’t by any means think that I still don’t love them. Part of my fascination with pictures is that you are capturing a specific moment in time, one that can be remembered for many years through a photo. Another of my favorite things about photos is seeing people smiling. I love seeing others genuinely happy in photos and seeing them smile. However, I also know that behind these photos and smiles there can be a lot of pain and suffering. Unfortunately, pictures do not always portray the most accurate representation and I know that all too well…

Today as I was sitting listening to my pastor, he said something that deeply struck me. He said, “We live life exposing ourselves through a series of snapshots…carefully edited snapshots that we let others see.” And as he said that I not only completely identified with the statement but I also thought back to my pictures or snapshots and how I used to live my life in a manner that only showed a nicely edited photo. And it was only this nicely edited photo that I let others take a quick glimpse at because I was too afraid they might see the real raw negative version of me if I let them see me for too long.

I have talked a lot about my perfectionism and my relationship with Ed both of which are intertwined. Both of these fed off the desire to appear to others as a nicely portrayed unrealistic snapshot of myself. For years, I only allowed others to see the perfect snapshot and so it is no wonder that most had no idea the internal suffering and pain I endured daily. Even those who were closest to me didn’t know for a very long time how truly bad off I was.

You see, to go along with the perfect image I showed everyone, I had carried around a set of rules in my head that I lived by. Never tell people that you aren’t doing okay, in fact tell them how great you are. Always look your best, never ever leave the house looking like a mess. Never show extreme emotion in public or in front of anyone unless it is a big smile. In fact, you should always wear a big smile. Try not to ever say anything about problems in your life, always minimize them. Don’t cry in front of anyone…and the list went on and on. Sound absolutely ridiculous and crazy?? It truly was and even more it was suffocating. I didn’t want anyone to know the real me because I wasn’t nearly as glamorous as I seemed in fact I was really, really messy.

As I began my recovery I learned that those rules were going to have go straight in the trash and the only snapshots that people were going to see were snapshots of the real me. Some of that wasn’t too bad. In fact, I didn’t mind going out in sweats, no make up, and a little disheveled if I was having a bad day but other parts of showing the real me weren’t so easy. I had to learn how to re-feel and express emotion outwardly and to people who cared about me. I had to be real. I had to ask for help. And I had to lean on others and it wasn’t until I did this that I began to heal.

It is so easy to skate through life letting others see the glamorized, photo-shopped versions of ourselves. It may be easier but it is not worth it. For me it meant accepting that people loved me as I was, the real me and that my Savior would never love me any less no matter how messy I was. And here’s the deal, the same is true for you too. No matter how messy how awful, how desperate, you think you are right now there are so many people who love you for who you are and will love that person so much more than the glamorized snapshot you show them. And I can guarantee that there is one girl who loves you for the crazy, messy, real, version of you that you are when no one is looking.

Last week, I got to do an interview for my boss Lori Hanson at Learn2Balance. She is an amazing woman who in so many ways is a true Ed survivor and warrior! She has started an incredible online on community for those with Eds, who are seeking hope and a community that understands. Not only, should you check out her website at http://www.learn2balance.com but also you should also check out her Finding Hope website. “This interview was recorded to be shared by members of the Finding Hope Online Community to provide inspiration to individuals with eating disorders. If you know anyone who is struggling with an eating disorder, or concerned parents who are desperate for help, please share the information about this community with them. http://www.FindingHopeEDSupport.com.” So after you listen to the interview and hear how messy this girl was go to the website http://www.FindingHopeEDSupport.com because this is one amazing way that you can begin to show people real snapshots of you and find support from others who understand and care. So hear is the interview that I want to share with you so that you know you are not alone and that I too am just as messy as you but also that there is hope and let me tell you there is a beautiful picture waiting to be shown under all that messiness. Here is my interview I promised: http://www.byoaudio.com/play/WK8TQlVx and ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

<3MK