Dear Ed…Closing a Chapter and Beginning a New Book

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“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard, she said, is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.”

The last several weeks have been a whirlwind. From graduating college, to saying goodbyes to friends,  to starting new adventures, to friends getting married, if feels as if life is going at full speed and it is during those times that I feel the need to take a big deep breath and soak in all I have the potential to miss. I have never felt more loved or more celebrated than I have in the last several weeks, from a graduation party thrown by “The Moms”, to a precious family party, to time with my best friends, to many cards and presents, to sweet texts and phone messages, as I have said (many many times if you know me 🙂 ) before I really am one beyond blessed girl. It wasn’t until I was going through a memento box from the last four years that reality finally struck me. A chapter in my life was closing in so many ways. I ran across a letter I wrote in the early fall, shortly before I started this blog. It was a letter I wrote in the midst of recovery to Ed and when I wrote it I felt like I still had to struggle extremely hard be free. As I read the words in the letter the other day though, tears filled my eyes, because I realized  by the grace of God I was no longer the girl in the letter. I realized I had grown leaps and bounds in the last nine months and that Ed is no longer a part of my daily or even weekly life. Sure I have bad days and struggles like anyone else but I have reached a point in my recovery that there is so much freedom that is unbelievable. So even though I am so proud of myself for my college graduation in my book this is an even bigger deal. So as you read this letter I hope you know if you have been a part of my journey thank you, this is for you and for those of you out there struggling this is for you too. Nine months ago I didn’t think I would be where I am now and yet here I am, beginning a new part of my life after college. For the first time, I feel as if I am closing a chapter of an old book and starting a brand new one…

Dear Ed,

You have been a part of my life for too long now. I hate you. In fact, I despise you. I know that for the last twelve years we have been friends, we’ve been best friends but that is ending now. I don’t want you in my life. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to hear your lies.

I know we have been close for a very long time now and leaving you behind is not going to be easy but it is going to be worth it. Everyday that I listen to you one less time, every time I take one more bite, every tiny step I take towards being free of you is a small battle won. I will celebrate these victories and I will be proud of myself for them. You have kept me in chains for too long and I AM going to break free.

I am making a commitment to not listen to you, to not obey you, to fight you and to win. I may make mistakes, I may fall, I may not win immediately but eventually I will. I will not let you use my mistakes and my slip ups against me. I will not let you get me down. I will give myself grace, I will remind myself of what my life will be with without you, I will step up instead of backing down.

I know I have said this before and I know that a year ago I made a commitment to beating you but I have been scared, no, I’ve been terrified. You made me believe that I couldn’t live life without you, that I wasn’t strong enough, that I would never beat you but for the first time in my life I believe I CAN and I WILL!

I will not let myself believe the constant lies you tell me, or all the doubt you fill my head with. I know as I recover your voice will be there, pretending to love me (when in reality you hate me). I WILL not count calories, eat or not eat for the sake of comfort, I WILL not skip meals, I WILL not use ANY KIND of supplements, meal replacements, or laxatives or medicines (to avoid eating or to get rid of food), I WILL not engage in behaviors that make your voice loud, I WILL not continue in behaviors that harm me and continue to bring me self-hatred and disappointment.

I will avoid and be aware of my triggers (talking about diet and exercise plans, looking at models or unhealthy people, obsessing and comparing myself to others, constant stress of perfection in school, and thinking I have to impress everyone I meet). I will instead remind myself that I am loved by a God who, “fearfully and wonderfully made me” just the way that He wanted me and that He believes I am beautiful no matter my looks. I will remind myself that Mary and the Kendall family, value my friendship and love and treasure me in their lives. I will remind myself that Mommy and Daddy, Sam, Anne, Davis, Nick, and Carter are grateful I am a part of their families. I will remind myself that I have countless, family, friends and wonderful best friends who believe I am worth fighting for and beating this. I will remind myself that my Anorexia does not define me and never will. I will remind myself that God has incredible plans for my life, which include loving and serving others, and bringing glory to His name, and none of them I can complete if I am not here.

ED, this is goodbye for good, you will no longer master my thoughts, my actions, my life. I am taking back the control and will keep it for the rest of my life. I am ending this friendship for the last time and will not be returning. I just wanted you to know in case you were in doubt that I DON’T love you and I DON’T want you to be a part of my life anymore. I will KEEP fighting EVEN when it gets hard, EVEN when I want to give up, EVEN when I feel like no more of me can fight, I will fight until I BEAT you and you are NO longer a part of my daily life!

Goodbye ED, we won’t be speaking anymore,

Martha Kate

To those of you who read that letter and walked this journey with me, thank you is an understatement. It is your hand-holding, prayers, love, and support and grace, that brought me through. I love you and always will. I could not have made it without you. To those of you reading this who are struggling with Ed or something else, there is freedom, there is hope, you CAN be set free. I want you to know that there was a point that I never thought it was possible but IT IS!! And to MK way to go girlfriend, you never backed down and you still don’t. I want you to know, I am proud of YOU!

Friends, you can make it through recovery, you can beat this. There is hope, there is grace and when you do find freedom, I want you to be so thankful for those who have helped you through, I want you to give back and help those struggling but I also want you to be sooo proud of yourself because no one can do this for you but YOU.  I don’t know about you but this girl is slamming the book closed on that chapter (never to be reread!) in her life and she is starting a brand new beautiful book full of grace, messiness, imperfection and beauty because that is what life is all about! My friend, I am thinking of you this week and hoping  that you may find the strength to fight whatever battle it is in your life and that you may find the hope to overcome it and may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!

❤ MK

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Batman and Robin: Real Life Superheros

Batman, Batgirl, and Robin Our first photo together taken nearly four years ago the day after we met.

Batman, Batgirl, and Robin
Our first photo together taken nearly four years ago the day after we met.

Col Col, MarMo, and Tripper Our most recent photo this past Sunday with our newest member Sweet Charlie. Four years later and all grown-up.

Col Col (Robin), MarMo, and Tripper (Batman)
Our most recent photo (four years after the top photo) with our newest member, Sweet Charlie.

“True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that. We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what people think of us. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they’ll leave. But what we give up is nothing in comparison to what this kind of friendship gives us. Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control it and manage it and manufacture it, then it’s something else, but if it’s really love, really friendship, it’s a little scary around the edges.”

Sometimes you meet people and you know you are going to be friends forever. You share a smile and you realize you get each other. You look each other  in the eye and you just know that the other person gets you. After one conversation you realize that this is the kind of friendship people talk about and that you have found a forever friend. I have said it before but I truly am beyond blessed with wonderful friends and doubly so when it comes to my friendship with two of the most amazing men Trip and Collin or as I like to call them Batman and Robin. We met nearly four years ago, not yet college freshman, at a time where we were all trying to figure out who we were and what we would become as we entered the new chapter in our lives. The fact that we met, shared less than 24 hours together and then continued to talk until we were back together months later doesn’t shock me, for I think we knew that when we met, something special was born, a friendship that is everlasting…

I have so many wonderful friends many who I consider best friends and many who have gone through the journey of the last four years with me but when I think about the last four years of my life these two men come to the forefront of my mind. They were the first people I met on this journey and here they are four years later  still standing by my side. I think that the three of us would all say that  when we met when we were very different people and throughout the years, we have grown up together, we have become better versions of ourselves and we have loved and learned from each other while we  have grown. These two guys have seen every stage in the last four years of my life and have stuck by my side through thick and thin. So as I sat with them last weekend, reminiscing on the last four years I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear at the memories I will forever cherish with them. Both of them is so special to me in their own way but together they hold a place in my heart that will be there forever. For those of you that don’t know them, this is Batman and Robin my real life super heroes:

Batman, Trip, Tripper, he is the guy who brings the laughter and the excitement to the group. He was my very first friend at TCU and to this day he is still one of my best friends. In the last four years, we have shared more meals and stories together than I could ever count. He was the first TCU friend who came to my house, who I went to dinner with, who met my parents, who went to church with me, who met my friends. He was there before the craziness of college started. He was the guy who texted me bible verses of encouragement. He made me feel safe about coming to TCU, knowing that someone had my back. He is the one guy who can make me laugh so hard I cry and who can tell it like it is to me and who I will actually listen to. We have been thorough heartache and pain together along with happiness and joy. He has cried with me when I was hurting and then dried up my tears. He has a heart as big as the world and a genuine love for people that few could ever come close to. He is the spontaneous one of the group, always causing us to have more fun than we could have ever imagine. He has taught me more about life in the last four years than he will ever know. He has saved the day more times than I can count and will always be my real live Batman and Superhero!

Robin, Collin, Col Col, is the heart of our group. While his superhero  status would imply he’s the sidekick there is nothing further from the truth. He is the one that started out quiet and who’s personality has grown into a guy who doesn’t know a stranger. He was a huge support  to me before we even started school, taking breaks during life guarding to hear about my life problems. He was the first friend that when I shared my struggle with him cried with me, not because he felt sorry for me but because  he cared so much about me that his heart broke when mine broke. He is the one that always points me back to the gospel and who encourages me to find the good amongst the wreckage. He is a soul that is wise beyond his years. He is the one who keeps us on track  and makes sure we know how much he cares. He holds a kindness and compassion for each and every person in this world and I truly don’t believe that there is a hateful bone in his body. He has taught me more about being real in the last four years than many learn in a life time. He is always ready to come to my rescue and for that he will always be my real live Robin and Superhero!

Together this band of superheros has had quite our share of adventures. Together we have spent late nights studying and talking, we have drank pots of coffee,  we have shared more hairstyles combined than any friends should, we have sang Usher and rapped Ludacris, we have been to Christmas plays, we have spent time with family, we have cheered for our Frogs, we have shared my birthday together every year, we have made late night DQ runs, we have danced at Billy Bobs. Together, we have shared broken hearts, we have shared family struggles, we have shared disappointment and hurt, we have shared failure. However, also together we have shared more joy than I could imagine, more laughs and inside jokes than I can recall, more insight to each others lives than many know, and more nights of fun than I could have imagined.  The point is I couldn’t do life without the two. They have become the best friends and guys imaginable and thank you could never suffice for the love and friendship they have and I know always will show me. As Robin says to Batman, “We had to trust each person to do their jobs. That’s what being partners is all about. Sometimes, counting on someone else is the only way you win.” That is us in a nutshell, constantly counting on one another and knowing that together, we always win!

To their families, their beautiful sweet ladies, and other friends, thank you for sharing these amazing guys with me, they have changed my world. And to my Tripper and Col Col, my Batman and Robin you are two of my very favorite people and grown to be two of the best men I have ever known, I am honored that I can call you my best friends. Know that my love for you is bigger than you will ever know! Thank you for walking into my life four years ago and never stepping out. You have changed my life for good!

And for all you out there who think that this kind of friendship is impossible, it is NOT and you deserve these amazing friends like Trip and Collin. Don’t be afraid to open and share your story and life with people, because who knows they could become your best friends and may you ALWAYS REMEMBER…

YOU are LOVED and YOU are WORTH it!!

<3MK

I couldn’t resist sharing a few of my favorite photos from the past four years…like I said combined we have had more hairstyles than any friendship should… 🙂

End of Freshman year

End of Freshman year

Sophomore year at Billy Bobs

Sophomore year at Billy Bobs

End of Junior Year

End of Junior Year

Beginning of Senior Year

Beginning of Senior Year